A sensational spin-off memoir based on the hit TV sitcom 'Allo 'Allo!, about a hapless café owner in occupied France

Living under the tyranny of the Nazi jackboot, proud patriot René Artois (Gorden Kaye) is determined to do his bit for France – so when the Resistance commandeers his café to hide two escaped British airmen, he’s happy to help. But the beleaguered Brits are the least of René’s problems, as he divulges in this uproarious comic diary.

Stand by as he lifts the lid on his top-secret wartime exploits – from giving the Gestapo the run-around to clandestine meetings with Michelle of the Resistance (who always manages to sneak up his back passage when he’s least expecting it.). His many formidable challenges include striving to placate his formidable wife, Edith; keeping his illicit affairs with waitresses Yvette and Maria under wraps; and guarding “The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies”, a stolen painting concealed in a knockwurst sausage in his cellar.

Can he save the priceless masterpiece from the clutches of Colonel Von Strohm and Otto Flick? And will he make it through the war unscathed, with his cherished café intact? All will be revealed – but listen very carefully, he will say this only once...

Production credits

Read by Gorden Kaye

Written by John Haselden

Based on the television series by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft

Produced by Andy Aliffe

First released on cassette by BBC Enterprises in 1989

© 2026 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd. (P) 1989, 2026 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd