In this episode of the Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White and Calvalyn Day dig into one of the most deeply rooted patterns affecting high-achieving women, and Black women in particular: the identity that forms when you spend a lifetime being everything to everyone else and very little to yourself. Calvalyn calls it the 92%ers topic. Buckle in.

Sparked by two viral videos, one from an elderly woman, talking about women who never learn to receive care, and another featuring Wall Street powerhouse Carla Harris in conversation with Mel Robbins about fear and fatigue as the two forces that keep Black women from reaching their full potential, Elizabeth and Calvalyn go deep into the science and the soul of it all. They explore how caregiving identity forms in childhood, how repeated patterns beat neural pathways in the brain, how the fear of being called lazy is a trauma response rooted in generational history, and why emotional excavation is the only way out.

This episode is for every woman who has held her pee so she could cross one more thing off her list, who always says 'I got it' when someone offers to help, or who has accomplished so much she's exhausted at the thought of going after the thing that she really wants. Elizabeth and Calvalyn close with a powerful challenge for every woman who is ready to love her life.

Resources Mentioned

Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, Dr. Joy DeGruy https://amzn.to/4xvneC1

Stay Connected!

Instagram

Elizabeth, https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz

Calvalyn, https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en

TikTok

Elizabeth, https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz

Calvalyn, https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday

LinkedIn

Calvalyn, https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/

Elizabeth, https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/

Chapters

00:00 Opening: The 92%ers Topic, Buckle In

00:52 Why This Episode Matters (and Why You Should Share It)

01:16 How an Episode Gets Born: TikTok Inboxes and Toe-Dipping

04:30 Video 1: Women Conditioned to Caregive from Birth

05:05 The Question: When Did You First Start Taking Care of Others?

06:55 Calvalyn's Story: Being an Auntie Before She Was Born

07:52 When Identity Forms Around What Others Need from You

08:25 If You've Ever Felt Like: Who Am I Without the People I Care For?

09:00 How Caregiving Patterns Show Up in Adult Relationships

10:22 Raising People Who Can Stand on Their Own

12:33 The Cultural Context: Adultifying Black Children

14:12 We Are Not Raising Children to Step Aside

15:26 Leila's School Project: A Lesson in Not Giving Up Your Seat

18:02 What We're Excavating Now Was Planted Then

19:00 Brain Science: How Repeated Patterns Become Your Operating System

21:54 When to Work with a Therapist or Coach

22:25 Video 2: Carla Harris on Fear and Fatigue for Black Women

24:25 Overqualified and Exhausted: The Cost of Getting Here

26:18 Fear Gets More Sophisticated as You Age, Elizabeth's Take

27:07 Where Do They Actually Want Us? A Real Conversation

28:46 Elizabeth's Childhood Memory: Swallowing Grief to Protect Her Dad

30:33 It Wasn't Wrong, But Look at the Meaning You Made from It

31:30 The L Word: How Fear of Being Called Lazy Is a Generational Wound

32:23 Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome and What We Passed Down

32:45 Elizabeth's Pee Story, and What It Actually Means

34:12 Saying 'I Got It' When Someone Offers to Help

35:25 What Would It Look Like to Actually Receive?

35:44 The Abundance Challenge: $21 and a Tag-In

37:46 The Pre-Work Question: Where Do You Feel Supported Right Now?

39:40 Train Your Brain to See More of What You Want

40:25 The Reticular Activating System and Why Gratitude Changes Everything

42:23 Gratitude and Desire Can Coexist, You Don't Have to Choose

43:47 You Don't Have to Be Old and Tired

44:14 Close: Love Your Life and the People in It