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Burn the Haystack

Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter

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Burn the Haystack

By: Jennie Young PhD
Narrated by: Jennie Young PhD, Kiiri Sandy
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Summary

It’s time for a dating revolution! Read by Kiiri Sandy and author Jennie Young. Listen to Jennie’s introduction of her method and her movement, and then hear her sign off the book with a love letter from her.

Part reading from your favorite professor, part conversation with your funniest friend—this is the heart behind the manifesto.


How do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn the haystack to the ground.

Among Dr. Jennie Young’s legion of fans, the “needle” is a long-term, committed partner and the “haystack” is the group of men available to date. So often women are advised to “give the guy a chance,” to take seriously men whose app bios tell women not to take themselves seriously. Young’s refreshing approach to online dating turns this advice on its head: Give almost no one a chance.

A professor of feminist rhetoric, Young teaches people how to decode the hidden meanings in ordinary communication. Fascinated (and frustrated) by the rhetorical gambits she saw in men’s profiles when she first downloaded a dating app, she created Burned Haystack to help other women navigate the nonsense and find their needles.

Young has revolutionized the dating lexicon by identifying common toxic rhetorical patterns in men’s messaging, such as:

  • Test and Apologize: He texts some sexual innuendo, then apologizes before you can
    even respond. He’s testing if you’ll be okay with being objectified. The test is real; the apology isn’t.
  • Disciplinary/Directive: He uses his dating app profile to “lay down the law” with women, which usually turns into abuse down the road. Understanding this pattern will help you disengage from this guy before he ruins your life.
  • Blue Ribbon for Bare Minimum: He opens his bio with “I will never hit you” (shockingly common) or brags about basic adult life skills such as having a job or washing his sheets. Things don’t improve from here.

Young’s engaging system empowers readers to sort through profiles quickly and effectively, preserving both time and sanity. And with its blend of scathing humor and academic rigor, Burn the Haystack is so much more than a dating tool—it gives women the skills to break down communication from the classroom to the boardroom and everywhere in between, and the confidence to approach life with a deeper, more powerful level of understanding.

Supplemental enhancement PDF accompanies the audiobook.

Communication & Social Skills Love, Dating & Attraction Personal Development Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Relationships Self-Esteem Words, Language & Grammar Dating Heartfelt
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Most relevant
A woman here. Really enjoyed the way Jennie writes, the book’s contents and the way it’s written and her work. On the negative side, I found her obvious disdain for conservative men repetitive, boring and unnecessary.

Inspiring and well written

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Dr. Young has researched tirelessly the last three years and delivers an outstanding yet meticulous guide to navigating the perilous worlds of dating/wanting a healthy relationship. She has used her own experiences and the experiences of thousands of women whom have to use the medium of online. Whether they want to or not... Be RUTHLESS. The "mating dance" was never pretty to begin with.

Phenomenal and relevant book on the cultural landscape called "dating ". Intersex relationships.

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As a Psychotherapist and Love and Relationship Coach, I wish I had had access to this years ago.

So informative and very wittily written.

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I really enjoyed this book but it was more academic than I anticipated. Lots of really great tips for dating and also validation for the experience a lot of hetro/ cis women have in the modern dating world. I’d say it’s more of a movement than just guidance, but it can be taken in either way.

This is a movement

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