Dear Lawyer,

As your paralegal (and ex), I have to be honest: You’re a horrible lawyer.

Honestly, the worst I’ve ever seen.

You never communicate, you pile on overtime, and you’re constantly in a bad mood.

Now, about those panties on your desk. No, that wasn’t a desperate cry for your attention. It was the result of a lost bet with my roommate. But if you were even half the lawyer you claim to be, you’d have figured that out without all the ego-tripping.

And about that phone call you overheard, yes, I did say I’m sorry I can’t sleep with you again. That’s because I actually value my sanity and self-respect.

As for my weekend plans? Definitely none of your business.

Anyway, I’ve been laughing at this whole situation for weeks, so let me keep it short:

I quit.

Yep, you read that right, Lawzilla, I’m done.

Maybe dial down the ego or at least learn to pay your staff better.

Wishing you luck. You’ll need it!

Kennedy Hayes,

Paralegal

Dearest Kennedy,

Thank you for your candid feedback.

I’m flattered that my legal incompetence has made such a lasting impression. It’s clear you’ve been holding onto this since our split ten years ago, and I can’t blame you for wanting to get a few jabs in.

As for the “Worst Lawyer Ever” title, I’ll wear it proudly.

It’s a tough world out there, and if my greatest achievement is making my ex laugh, then I guess I’m doing something right.

Best,

Cade “Lawzilla” Gladwell

P. S. Looking forward to your next review. I hope it’s as charming as your last. Because NOBODY’s quitting.