It’s easy in stroke and vestibular recovery to compare who we used to be with who we are today, and that comparison can distort our thinking. Living in “before” erodes appreciation for “now,” despite the trials we are in. The present is where recovery happens, so we are better off to stay present. Fear, fatigue, and frustration are part of the healing process, not signs of failure.

I’m not that old version of myself anymore, but I’m not less than I used to be. I’m still whole, and still capable of surfacing joy right where I am. This new version of me is shaped by resilience, self-awareness, and persistence. Every moment spent wishing for the past is a moment stolen from today.

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I decided to major in math in college because I wanted to work at NASA. Needless to say, that big decision didn’t land me there. The small choices I make throughout the day ultimately shape who I become, not the big one we think define us. I spent a lot of years using my free will irresponsibly.

Have you ever said, “I had no choice”? That usually means you reacted out of habit, fear, or impulse. Responsible free will lives in the pause between reaction and response where I can choose differently, even when it doesn’t feel like I can—pausing instead of reacting, listening instead of interrupting, choosing connection over isolation.

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This morning I was thinking about the relationship between humility, open-mindedness, and soundness of mind (the definition of sanity.) We learn through our youth to become self-sufficient, but in doing so we often lose opportunities for connection. Getting humble just enough to know I don't have all the answers opens my mind to others and relieves the pressure I put on myself.

Have you ever worked with that person who refuses to say, “I don’t know”? Instead, they always have an answer delivered with enough confidence to land a convincing weather forecast. When I learned how to say I don’t know, my mind opened and I became willing to learn from others. I mean, how can we learn anything from one another when we think we know everything already.

There’s a constant battle between my ears to solve every problem, even those that don’t exist yet. There’s no peace in that sustained mental state. What if soundness of mind can be achieved simply through positioning myself to be curious?

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In this episode, I share how a message from church and a conversation in my AA meeting landed on the exact same theme: patience. I talk about what it means to trust the process before you fully understand it, especially when life feels like it’s taken a turn you didn’t choose. I reflect on my own stroke recovery and how what once felt like a dead end may actually be a repositioning that I couldn’t see at the time. If you’ve ever wondered why things aren’t happening faster or why your path feels unclear, this is a reminder that not everything meaningful grows quickly, and that faith often asks us to trust first and understand later.

I also talk what patience feels like in real life. It’s not always calm and peaceful on the inside, it’s often messy, uncomfortable, and requires practice. Through tools like pausing, letting go of control, and using my “God box,” I’ve learned that patience is how I respond. Whether it’s resisting the urge to control people, slowing down, or simply not interrupting others, these moments build patience. If you’re feeling restless, stuck, or want things to hurry up, this episode will meet you right there and remind you: you’re not alone, and something stable and meaningful is growing.

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Am I changing my goals to match my behavior, or changing my behavior to meet my goals? What about when we add chronic pain into the formula?

Through the lens of stroke recovery, I struggle with fatigue, pain, and my desire to grow. I have a hard time telling the difference between honoring my limits and feeling like I’m lazy. If you’ve ever thought, “am I being lazy or am I truly exhausted,” you’re not alone. This is a daily internal negotiation so many of us face in recovery.

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Serenity is directly tied to how I relate to my life as it is, and not as I try to make it. When my expectations don’t match reality, that gap creates frustration and anxiety. For me, serenity comes from accepting what is, even when it’s not how I want it. I don’t lower my expectations for my life, but I do adjust them to consider my chronic pain and disability.

Through sobriety, I’ve learned that expectations can be thought of as premeditated disappointments. Acceptance, on the other hand, helps me to say, “Okay, this is happening today… now what?” That shift allows me to respond instead of resist. I define serenity as a moment when nothing is wrong—not because everything is perfect, but because I’ve stopped arguing with myself.

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Carl Jung, Swiss psychologist, viewed loneliness as being misunderstood. In stroke recovery, I’ve experienced a loneliness that feels like not being fully seen, even when surrounded by people. When others can’t quite hear the effort it takes for me to think through a sentence or find the right words, it creates a subtle disconnection.

We all know that connection is dependent on communication, but I’d not fully considered that loneliness results from others not understanding what we are trying to communicate or can’t say at all. Whether it’s sobriety, chronic illness, or any invisible illness, we heal when we find people like us who truly get it. Seek relationships where you can be honest about your challenges and don’t have to edit your authenicity.

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I have intense internal pressure to do things even when I know it will cost me physically. Inspired by a conversation with my psychiatrist, I used an emotion color wheel to slow down and name what’s underneath that pressure. The emotions, like fear, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and even grief over who I used to be, play a huge role in my daily decisions. It helps to identify those emotions and separate what I feel from reality.

The worst thing that can happen is nothing. The things that matter the most to me, no one else can see. There are no disasters or collapse of society when Rachel crawls into bed to rest. I need to listen to my body instead of the urgency and pressure in my mind. I’m still learning the honest way to live within my limits, care for myself without guilt, and realize that protecting my wellness is the part that no one else can see but me.

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