In this episode of Rise, MaryAnn Michaelis sits down with Michelle Mays for a deeply grounded conversation on BRAVING, attachment injury, identity, belonging, self-trust, and the Betrayal Bind.

Michelle Mays is a licensed clinician, betrayal trauma specialist, and the creator of the BRAVING Hope® framework, an attachment-based model for healing after sexual betrayal and relational trauma. Her work helps individuals and couples understand how betrayal impacts the nervous system, attachment systems, identity, and the capacity for self-trust.

Together, MaryAnn and Michelle explore how betrayal disrupts not only relationships, but also internal identity structures, emotional safety, and the sense of belonging to self and others. They discuss how the nervous system organizes around attachment injury and why healing requires both relational understanding and internal reconnection.

This conversation draws from Michelle’s clinical work, her Braving Hope® immersive program and training model, and her book The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst, which offers an attachment-based framework for understanding betrayal trauma and the path toward recovery.

• The BRAVING framework and what it reveals about attachment injury
• Why betrayal trauma disrupts identity and nervous system regulation
• The concept of the Betrayal Bind and the “impossible relational dilemma” it creates
• How self-trust is fractured in betrayal—and how it is rebuilt over time
• Why belonging becomes unstable after relational rupture
• The role of attachment systems in trauma responses and healing
• How Michelle’s Braving Hope® program supports structured recovery
• Clinical insights from The Betrayal Bind and real-world healing pathways

Attachment trauma • Betrayal trauma • Identity reconstruction • Nervous system regulation • Self-trust • Belonging • BRAVING Hope® framework • The Betrayal Bind • Emotional safety • Relational healing

Michelle Mays, LPC, CSAT-S, is a clinician, educator, and author specializing in betrayal trauma and attachment injury. She is the creator of the BRAVING Hope® treatment model and immersive program, and the author of The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst.

Her work integrates attachment theory, nervous system science, and clinical experience to help individuals rebuild safety, identity, and self-trust after betrayal.

Learn more about her work, programs, and resources at: michellemays.com

MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, is a licensed clinical social worker and trauma therapist specializing in betrayal trauma, sexual addiction, and attachment injury. She is the founder of the HART Recovery Institute and host of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, where she explores the lived experience of betrayal trauma and the process of rebuilding identity, self-trust, and relational safety.

Her clinical work integrates attachment theory, nervous system science, EMDR, and trauma-informed approaches to support individuals and couples in deep relational healing.

The Betrayal Bind is Michelle Mays’ foundational book on betrayal trauma and attachment injury. It explores the relational paradox at the heart of betrayal: when the person you depend on for safety is also the source of harm. The book offers an attachment-based framework for understanding trauma responses and provides a pathway toward rebuilding self-trust, emotional regulation, and relational clarity.

The Braving Hope® immersive experience is Michelle Mays’ signature program for betrayed partners. It provides structured education and experiential work focused on attachment healing, nervous system regulation, and identity restoration after betrayal trauma.

Rise is a podcast exploring betrayal trauma, attachment injury, and the process of rebuilding identity, self-trust, and connection after relational rupture.

Season 2, Episode 23

For many betrayed partners, life after D-Day can feel futile, like grabbing at sand—confusing, unstable, and overwhelming, with every thought, memory, or trigger adding to the emotionally unmanageable mess.

In this episode of Rise, Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, is joined by Kris Cristiano, LCSW, CSAT as they explore what it really feels like to rebuild after sexual betrayal—when your internal world no longer feels stable, predictable, or safe.

Together, they unpack what it means to move from emotional instability into grounding, and how to begin rebuilding a foundation that can actually hold weight as they highlight the following topics:

What Happens After Sexual Betrayal (The “Sifting Sand” Experience)

Emotional confusion and hypervigilance after disclosure

• Why betrayed partners feel like they are constantly “on alert”
• The shift from trust to questioning everything
• Why the nervous system begins scanning for danger

The mental overload of outside opinions

• Social media, family, friends, and conflicting advice
• Why clarity feels impossible in early recovery
• The emotional exhaustion of trying to make sense of it all

Why nothing feels stable anymore

• The loss of relational safety
• The constant search for something solid to hold onto
• The “sand vs. rock” internal experience

Grounding After Betrayal: How Stability Begins

Why confusion is a signal, not a failure

• Noticing when the system is overloaded
• The importance of stepping back from decision-making in confusion

Simple grounding techniques for nervous system regulation

• Feet on the ground, posture, breath
• Sensory awareness (5-4-3-2-1 technique)
• Returning to the present moment through the body

Why the body must heal before clarity returns

• Trauma stored in the nervous system
• Why thinking alone cannot solve emotional overwhelm
• Moving from survival brain to regulated brain

Rebuilding a Foundation That Can Hold Weight

The “emotional backpack” of betrayal trauma

• Why life feels suddenly heavier and harder
• Energy depletion and trauma load
• Why normal functioning becomes exhausting

What is and isn’t in your control

• Partner’s recovery vs. your own grounding
• Reclaiming internal agency in a chaotic season

Small steps that rebuild stability

• Connection with safe people
• Connection with body and senses
• Connection with meaning and identity
• Moving from Sand to Bedrock

Why healing is not linear

• Cracks in foundations are part of rebuilding
• Progress vs perfection in recovery

Reconnecting with identity after betrayal

• “Who am I now?” after relational rupture
• Rebuilding self outside of crisis response mode

Finding what helps you “rise”

• What restores energy and regulation
• Returning to life with support, not pressure

Conclusion

Healing after sexual betrayal is not about rushing clarity—it is about rebuilding stability from the inside out. When everything feels like sand, the goal is not to force answers, but to slowly return to grounding, connection, and safety in your own body and life. Resources

• Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale Survey - please consider taking a few minutes to help with our ongoing research.
• Visit Humanintimacy.com for the Rise Companion Course, Courses on Communication, Boundaries and both Individual and Couple Healing.

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, and Dr. Kevin Skinner, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT, continue their series on rebuilding life after betrayal trauma by focusing on one of the most essential—and most difficult—parts of healing: connection.

After betrayal, many survivors begin questioning not only their relationship, but their entire sense of safety with people. Dr. Skinner shares research showing that betrayal trauma often impacts our perception of trust, causing many to withdraw from friends, family, peers, and support systems. Isolation can feel safer in the short term, but healing rarely happens alone.

Together, MaryAnn and Dr. Skinner explore:

• Why betrayal trauma often leads to isolation and avoidance
• The nervous system’s fear of vulnerability and connection
• How secrecy and carrying trauma alone impacts the body and mind
• The healing power of support groups and safe relationships
• Common fears and barriers people experience when considering group support
• Why not all groups feel emotionally safe—and how to find healthy support
• The importance of “parking lot conversations” and authentic connection outside formal group time
• How healing happens through validation, attachment, and being truly seen
• The role of safe relationships in calming PTSD symptoms and rebuilding trust
• Attachment wounds, exclusion trauma, and the brain’s response to rejection
• How helping and supporting others in recovery also strengthens our own healing

Dr. Skinner shares powerful clinical stories illustrating how even one safe relationship can begin to regulate the nervous system and shift long-held beliefs of “I’m alone” into “I matter.” The conversation highlights how group healing is often less about the curriculum and more about the relationships formed through shared vulnerability and understanding.

MaryAnn also discusses:

• The difference between structured therapy groups and 12-step groups
• Why some group formats may feel triggering or invalidating
• Reframing harmful “co-addict” or codependency messaging through a trauma-informed lens
• The importance of finding people who can witness pain without minimizing it
• How collective healing creates growth, insight, and hope

This episode is a compassionate reminder that while connection after betrayal can feel terrifying, safe relationships are often one of the most transformative parts of recovery.

• Betrayal trauma frequently disrupts a person’s ability to trust others.
• Isolation may feel protective, but long-term healing requires safe connection.
• Group support can reduce shame, normalize experiences, and provide emotional regulation.
• Being witnessed in pain creates attachment and healing.
• One safe, nurturing relationship can profoundly impact recovery.
• Healing often happens collectively through shared stories, validation, and support.

• Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Kevin Skinner
• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Secure by Amir Levine
• Sue Johnson and attachment-based healing concepts
• Patrick Carnes recommendation: attend a group multiple times before deciding if it’s a fit
• Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale Survey - please consider taking a few minutes to help with our ongoing research.
• Visit Humanintimacy.com for the Rise Companion Course, Courses on Communication, Boundaries and both Individual and Couple Healing.

If you are navigating betrayal trauma and feeling isolated, this episode encourages you to consider reaching out for support. Whether through therapy, group work, trusted friendships, or community, healing often begins when someone says: “I see you. You matter. You are not alone.”

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT and Kris Cristiano, LCSW, CSAT, explore one of the deepest and most painful questions betrayal trauma survivors face:

“Who am I now?”

When betrayal shatters trust, it often disrupts identity, self-concept, confidence, joy, and connection to self. Together, MaryAnn and Kris unpack the healing process of rediscovering your core self while also making space for the ways trauma and life experiences fundamentally change us.

Through personal stories, clinical insight, humor, and practical tools, this conversation explores individuation, differentiation, dissociation, nervous system healing, and reconnecting with authenticity after trauma.

• How betrayal trauma distorts identity and self-concept
• Why many survivors feel disconnected from themselves
• The difference between survival mode and authentic living
• Reconnecting with values, interests, joy, creativity, and play
• Why healing is not about “going back” but reconnecting with your core self
• The importance of nervous system regulation in trauma recovery
• How storytelling helps integrate trauma and rebuild identity
• Why fun, laughter, and play are essential parts of healing
• Understanding dissociation and compartmentalization during betrayal trauma
• Practical grounding exercises to reconnect with yourself

MaryAnn and Kris discuss how betrayal can cause people to abandon parts of themselves in order to survive, maintain relationships, or keep systems functioning. Healing often involves intentionally reclaiming lost parts of identity — even through small things like favorite foods, hobbies, humor, music, creativity, or values.

Trauma changes the brain, nervous system, emotional responses, and worldview. Survivors may struggle with concentration, joy, emotional regulation, or activities they once loved. The episode emphasizes patience, self-compassion, and understanding that healing takes time.

The conversation explores practices that help regulate the nervous system, including:

• Meditation
• Yoga
• Walking
• Singing
• Dancing
• Play
• Safe social connection
• Intentionality
• Emotional processing

MaryAnn shares how betrayal trauma can create a dream-like sense of disconnection from reality and self. The discussion includes practical ways to stay grounded and present while also honoring overwhelming emotions and triggers.

Kris explains how sharing our stories in safe spaces helps the brain integrate trauma, close emotional loops, and rebuild identity over time.

Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), the episode references the “8 C’s” — qualities associated with the core Self when we are grounded, centered, and not led by fear or trauma parts:

• Calm
• Clarity
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Creativity
• Connectedness
• Curiosity

The conversation explores how healing often involves reconnecting with these qualities rather than abandoning who we truly are.

• The story of “watermelon” as a symbol of reclaiming identity after decades of self-abandonment
• The “what kind of eggs do you actually like?” metaphor from Runaway Bride
• Why “fun is part of recovery”
• MaryAnn’s reflections on reconnecting with humor and play after trauma
• The reminder that healing is not linear, rushed, or one-dimensional

• Who was I before betrayal?
• What parts of myself have I abandoned?
• What activities, interests, or values made me feel most alive?
• What brings me peace, joy, creativity, or connection today?
• What small step could help me reconnect with myself this week?

• The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk
• Stephen Covey - Start with the End in Mind
• The Color Code - Dr. Taylor Hartman
• GABIS https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale
• Boundary Basics https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/boundary-basics
• Explore guided support and recovery tools: humanintimacy.com
• youtube.com/@human-intimacy

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, is joined by Dr. Karen Strange, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT, for a deeply compassionate conversation about what happens when betrayal trauma shakes not only our relationships—but also our faith, identity, and sense of meaning.

Together, they explore the often unspoken spiritual impact of betrayal and the painful questions that arise in the “messy middle” of healing, including: Why did this happen? Can I still trust my higher power? What do I believe now?

For many betrayed partners, recovery is not just about rebuilding trust with a spouse—it can also involve deconstructing and reconstructing long-held beliefs about God, safety, purpose, and self-worth. This episode holds space for that complexity with gentleness, honesty, and hope.

• How betrayal trauma can impact faith and spiritual identity
• Why anger at a higher power is a common and valid response
• The experience of feeling “betrayed by God” or spiritually abandoned
• How trauma can destabilize beliefs about meaning, safety, and self
• The role of grief in spiritual deconstruction and reconstruction
• Why the “messy middle” of not knowing is part of healing
• How clients begin to rebuild their spiritual foundation after betrayal
• The connection between truth, lies, and identity after trauma
• What it means to find your “why” in the midst of suffering

• Writing a letter to your higher power to express grief, anger, and questions
• Allowing and honoring emotions instead of suppressing them
• Identifying and challenging internalized “lies” after betrayal
• Practicing self-compassion during identity disruption
• Reframing painful experiences through meaning-making and reflection
• Seeking safe relational support during deconstruction and healing

• Spiritual deconstruction and reconstruction
• Emotional honesty in faith crises
• Identity loss and rebuilding after betrayal trauma
• Meaning-making in suffering
• The importance of safe connection and support
• Hope in the “messy middle” of healing

MaryAnn and Dr. Strange emphasize that questioning, wrestling, and even feeling anger toward a higher power are not signs of failure—they are often part of a deeply human healing process. Over time, many individuals find that their faith is not necessarily destroyed, but transformed.

Healing is not linear, and you are not alone in the questions you are carrying.

• "Man's Search For Meaning," Viktor Frankl
• GABIS https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale
• Boundary Basics https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/boundary-basics
• Explore guided support and recovery tools: humanintimacy.com
• youtube.com/@human-intimacy

In this episode of Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Dr. Kevin Skinner LMFT, CSAT, CPTT to continue the powerful conversation on boundaries—this time focusing on what happens after you set one.

Because the truth is… setting a boundary is only the beginning.

What happens when your partner pushes back? When fear floods in? When you’re not even sure you can follow through?

This episode steps into the emotional reality of holding boundaries—the discomfort, the fear, and the growth required to stay grounded in your values.

• Why boundaries must be rooted in your personal values (your “why”)
• The role of homeostasis—and why change in relationships feels so hard
• The difference between rigid vs. flexible boundaries
• Why you are allowed to change your mind as you learn and grow
• What it really means to follow through on a boundary
• How to handle pushback, resistance, or defensiveness
• The impact of shame filters in the betraying partner
• Why boundaries often trigger fear of loss and abandonment
• The importance of differentiation—holding onto yourself in the relationship
• How to stay grounded when you feel triggered, anxious, or dysregulated

• Boundaries are not about control—they are about self-alignment and safety
• If a boundary isn’t connected to your values, it will be difficult to maintain
• You don’t have to get it perfect—you need to stay aware and adaptable
• Discomfort is not a sign you’re doing it wrong—it’s often a sign of growth
• You can be both shaky and strong at the same time

Holding boundaries may bring up:

• Fear (“Will this end my relationship?”)
• Anxiety (“What if I can’t follow through?”)
• Confusion (“Am I doing this right?”)
• Grief (loss of identity, loss of what was)

This is normal.

You are learning a new way of being—like writing with your non-dominant hand.

• Define your boundary by asking: “What is my why?”
• Communicate clearly: “If X happens, I will respond by doing Y.”
• Prepare for resistance—it doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong
• Regulate yourself before having the conversation
• Build support systems (friends, therapists, safe people)
• Give yourself permission to adjust as you learn

Boundaries are only as strong as the work you’ve done within yourself.

And even when it feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or scary— you are allowed to take up space, have needs, and honor them.

• Dr. Kevin Skinner’s work on rebuilding after betrayal
• Rebuild Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal
• Boundary Course at Human Intimacy: https://www.humanintimacy.com/link/9yNi7c?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.humanintimacy.com%2Fcourse%3Fcourseid%3Dboundary-basics
• www.youtube.com/human-intimacy
• Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale

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