Passion is the bridge that leads from the smaller truth,

that suffering is needed for healing, towards the larger richer experience of life as the lovemaking in all things. All things.

Even the accounting, charting, and explaining,

even when it does not seem practical or make sense.

I raised the serpents in the night and it was a flood

of karmic unwinding, sickness, and compressed red death,

difficult to keep my focus on the love, the light and the pleasure.

Shiva, dark blue of the night, bless your beauty and your vow,

your sleek muscularity and potent trident, we draw the shapes and thickness up and through. I ride upon you as the red dakini.

The flow of the waterfall of my shakti has the power to focus your energy in my mind, Silence and song, stillness and dance

then such a need for evacuation, my buffalo angels,

your compassionate hooves to trample, to shatter suffering structures,

my black jaguar lover, my red spotted jaguar sister, to gobble up large chunks of raw flesh. star people, your dark hands weeding my garden. heaving sobs from my innards, my core. Sometimes it does not seem

as though my shadow material is diminishing or nearing completion,

I pray for more encouragement, to keep moving forward and cultivating myself as Queen in union with my King, Goddess as one with my God. Wayshower of the path of manifestation through passion, compassion,

safe and true. Which means I feel myself from head to toe,

the succulence of sexual desire for my secret lover blossoms,

it destroys me, Angels of mercy. I can feel the beloved waiting,

Pulsing me, pressing close and it feels unbearable, this love, this bliss.

I offer up the one who cannot bear it.

Holy Mother beneath my feet, in my heart, I spread my fingers and toes upon your body, warm stone, we breathe, we bless

Holy Father in the sky, grandfather sun and cloud people, my star families through the blue Stargate in my heart, we breathe, we bless,

Holy Child that I am, birthed in my heart, innocent and pure,

all my desires laid bare, we breathe, we bless,

I know myself to be a cherished holy child of the Creator

with my life unfolding according to generous grace,

I surrender all obstacles to my fulfillment now,

I am blessed with joy and merciful compassion, so be it

how long does it take to touch a tree?

standing figure 8 unites Medicine Wheels of Earth and Sky, all things

in creation simply want to fulfill the purpose for which they are created...

In the center, there is no center or circumference only space,

stillness and silence, rich and primordial, undying, unborn

becoming the center of the atomic configuration

dynamic emanations issuing forth shapes, colors, unearthly sounds

the I Am Union, a core of inter-penetrating Bliss

with all of separation consciousness moving through,

implosion and compression into the red death, depression

explosion and flinging outward into white glare, anxiety

stay close, so close. When there is trauma, it is shocking

to open to feeling, threatening. squirming discomfort. settling down into practice requires great courage and cultivation of safety.

I offer, offer, offer to my protectors, the Buddhas,

dakinis and archangels, my sustainers, the luminous ones

and Stone people, stay close. Hold me close.

You, my child, are beloved of God.

Spirit of all life, bear witness. Amen and Amen...

The death has been so strong these two days , Dark Angel,

I am still not fully back to life, adjusting to the light

and my new body, still tender but more alive , all that has died

is the deadwood , I am still practicing the golden nectar yoga,

my belly quakes each time it passes through.

I feel strong but uncertain love for my parents, my sister and daughters,

I feel disarming and fearful love for the man, my secret lover

unacknowledged in the outer world, everything on the inner,

when Love wants to reside fatly in the center of the garden,

there is no denying anyone or anything.

Jikuri, peyote medicina, sacrament of the blue deer and the Christ Light, I take you into my mouth, my body, the body of Christ,

thank you Medicina, thank you, and then emotion arises,

I want to scream at him, it is personal, I am a woman of flesh

and blood and feeling, I know all your secrets and hidden shame,

I pray to forgive,

I return to the original state, embrace with emptiness.

Unborn is the nature of awareness, Undying

thinking I am so intelligent, letting go of thinking that

either way it is the death of me, no textbooks read in medical school, my brain simply doesn’t work that way, it wants to read

from right to left from back to front, skip words, sentences,

whole paragraphs, It is a mystery. What is intelligence?

no smarter than the worker in the field, clarifying the view.

I am humbled by the bearded woodsman,

who stands in the forest and touches trees, sharing tactile wisdom.

when I open my voice to the song of the spheres, feel deeply, and sway my hips in the natural rhythm that unites all things in harmony,

then I am shown all things. from nothing to everything.

Beloved master of infinite compassion, rise up inside my heart,

bestow your blessings, white OM in my head center

red AH in my throat center, blue HUM in my heart center,

Violet flame that cleanses all obscurations of body, speech and mind,

our Violet flame, the union which eliminates all need for purification...

Hands, healing hands, soothing, stroking hands, clapping hands, slapping hands, but only gently on your hips

holding hands, hands that are free and open for holding

hold my hand, make me real. The gift of manifestation,

I am a manifestor, I manifest beauty and skill,

I manifest bitterness and resentment, I manifest passionate desire and compassionate sacred neutral, I manifest poverty and wealth,

I manifest through my choice and awareness.

It is the lot of initiate, goddess, yogini and twin flames

to feel all disharmony and separation intensely, in the bones and blood

The victory is assured, despite all appearances,

come mother, come daughter, come lover, we will rejoice together.

the more I straighten my spine, speak a mantra, and resurrect,

the more I die , dissolution of the elements, dissolving

of concrete reality, priests and priestesses of my body, angels of mercy. I raise the light through my tissues, cultivate the staying awake

and just sitting, even though I squirm and sway and the rash inflames, my buffalo and reindeer angels, kindly snuffle me here.

Letting the heart and belly be soft, Ultimate practice of reverence

for self and no self. There is a death in each atomic configuration,

in each alchemical center. Beloved, press close, so close.

it is the speed that kills, speed of movement and thought

even speed of mantra. speed that comes from fear and aggression,

the left thumb is swollen from gripping too tightly the glass jar.

If the masculine receives too much tenderness,

he may feel smothered, as if by the mother

come to my table, come drink at my well, although you think

you have another plan for your hunger, search deeply into your heart, into your soul, and you will find the invitation from me

that you have long waited for

I allow my Great Desire for liberation to blossom,

I embody the Divine mother's capacity to feel emotion

without judgment, I live fully in this world, courageously naked

He opened again and did not follow through,

he opened and revealed, denied parts of it, cut and run,

shakti awakened with no consummation smoke and mirrors,

he is in control, he is the master. I bow to him,

my system gets frantic when it starts to feel him

slipping away again, I just want to be close to him.

smoke and mirrors, Mirror-Like Wisdom, Vajra family,

I see through a glass darkly, I see through a glass clearly

only love, which has no meaning, only sound.

I see reflected in him my deepest polarizations

and the brilliance of 1000 candles

floating down the Ganges

Mother-Father Creator God, give us what we need this day

in nourishment and wisdom for each next step

of this human life,

with what is ours to do within the sacred circle,

earth beneath our feet and earth elements within the body animated by your Love, by my Love.

Help me with the death fields that want to move upon me

and separate me from you. help me reclaim the peacefulness

I felt before I saw that which had been taken from me.