In this episode of the Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White and Calvalyn Day dig into one of the most deeply rooted patterns affecting high-achieving women, and Black women in particular: the identity that forms when you spend a lifetime being everything to everyone else and very little to yourself. Calvalyn calls it the 92%ers topic. Buckle in.
Sparked by two viral videos, one from an elderly woman, talking about women who never learn to receive care, and another featuring Wall Street powerhouse Carla Harris in conversation with Mel Robbins about fear and fatigue as the two forces that keep Black women from reaching their full potential, Elizabeth and Calvalyn go deep into the science and the soul of it all. They explore how caregiving identity forms in childhood, how repeated patterns beat neural pathways in the brain, how the fear of being called lazy is a trauma response rooted in generational history, and why emotional excavation is the only way out.
This episode is for every woman who has held her pee so she could cross one more thing off her list, who always says 'I got it' when someone offers to help, or who has accomplished so much she's exhausted at the thought of going after the thing that she really wants. Elizabeth and Calvalyn close with a powerful challenge for every woman who is ready to love her life.
Resources Mentioned
Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, Dr. Joy DeGruy https://amzn.to/4xvneC1
Stay Connected!
Instagram
Elizabeth, https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz
Calvalyn, https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en
TikTok
Elizabeth, https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz
Calvalyn, https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday
LinkedIn
Calvalyn, https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/
Elizabeth, https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/
Chapters
00:00 Opening: The 92%ers Topic, Buckle In
00:52 Why This Episode Matters (and Why You Should Share It)
01:16 How an Episode Gets Born: TikTok Inboxes and Toe-Dipping
04:30 Video 1: Women Conditioned to Caregive from Birth
05:05 The Question: When Did You First Start Taking Care of Others?
06:55 Calvalyn's Story: Being an Auntie Before She Was Born
07:52 When Identity Forms Around What Others Need from You
08:25 If You've Ever Felt Like: Who Am I Without the People I Care For?
09:00 How Caregiving Patterns Show Up in Adult Relationships
10:22 Raising People Who Can Stand on Their Own
12:33 The Cultural Context: Adultifying Black Children
14:12 We Are Not Raising Children to Step Aside
15:26 Leila's School Project: A Lesson in Not Giving Up Your Seat
18:02 What We're Excavating Now Was Planted Then
19:00 Brain Science: How Repeated Patterns Become Your Operating System
21:54 When to Work with a Therapist or Coach
22:25 Video 2: Carla Harris on Fear and Fatigue for Black Women
24:25 Overqualified and Exhausted: The Cost of Getting Here
26:18 Fear Gets More Sophisticated as You Age, Elizabeth's Take
27:07 Where Do They Actually Want Us? A Real Conversation
28:46 Elizabeth's Childhood Memory: Swallowing Grief to Protect Her Dad
30:33 It Wasn't Wrong, But Look at the Meaning You Made from It
31:30 The L Word: How Fear of Being Called Lazy Is a Generational Wound
32:23 Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome and What We Passed Down
32:45 Elizabeth's Pee Story, and What It Actually Means
34:12 Saying 'I Got It' When Someone Offers to Help
35:25 What Would It Look Like to Actually Receive?
35:44 The Abundance Challenge: $21 and a Tag-In
37:46 The Pre-Work Question: Where Do You Feel Supported Right Now?
39:40 Train Your Brain to See More of What You Want
40:25 The Reticular Activating System and Why Gratitude Changes Everything
42:23 Gratitude and Desire Can Coexist, You Don't Have to Choose
43:47 You Don't Have to Be Old and Tired
44:14 Close: Love Your Life and the People in It
Jun 18 202643 mins
Jun 4 202639 mins